Pleading the 28th

Yes, U.S.HEY! writers are aware that there are only 27 amendments.

But, for the sake of Freedom, we would like to propose a 28th.

Today, the New York Times published an article describing the eating habits of senior citizens.  Despite the doctor’s orders, the elderly continue to indulge in foods that health authorities deem less than desirable.  At U.S.HEY!, we believe that the right to consume whatever you please goes hand in hand with Freedom itself.  Thus, we wish to face these “health officials” head-on with our proposal of the 28th Amendment: The Right to Indulge.

Here in the Land of Plenty we have many options for consumption.  More specifically, there are hundreds, perhaps even thousands of different options for the food we consume on a daily basis.  So-called “doctors” and “nutritionists” make up new rules about what we should and should not eat every day, flip-flopping on what’s good and bad for you in a way that leaves many Americans puzzled.  Because of the continual fluctuation and conflicting opinions within the public health workforce itself, the U.S.HEY! administration has deemed any and all persons claiming to be an expert in these areas Impostors.

Authorized health personnel tell us not to eat the things we love, the things that bring us happiness.  Their disparaging remarks regarding popular American delicacies depress us.  Experts on public health have forced the American public to adopt the “Junk Food” moniker for most of the foods that actually taste good.  U.S.HEY! asks only that we start questioning the information that “doctors” put before us: is McDonalds actually junk, or there some Whole Foods insider trading going on within health professions?  Will consumption of such delicacies as Baskin Robbins and KFC actually hurt me, or are you just trying to hog all the good food for yourself?  Are saturated fats even real, or are they an invented villain used to control the population (similar to Harry Potter)?

Join together today to stand up for your right, as an American, to eat whatever you want.  Old people do it, even though their doctors warn against it, so why can’t you?  Silly rules such as a 2000-calorie per day diet haven’t helped anyone, they have only subjected American citizens everywhere to a life of deprivation and sadness.  Next time you order a super-sized BigMac Value Meal, think not only of the money you’re saving, but of the Americans everywhere you’re standing up for by consuming whatever the heck you want.

Plead the 28th today!  Indulge, great American gourmands, indulge!

In solidarity,

Commander in Chief

U.S.HEY! Wishes You a Happy Presidents’ Day

What better way to celebrate your day off school, work, or both than by commemorating the men who made America what it is today?

Our readers with children have been asking: How can I make sure my child grows up feeling as devoted towards the great U. S. of A. as I do? On a day like Presidents’ Day, where parents are forced to spend the entire day with their kids, U.S.HEY! officials decided it was the perfect chance for parents to instill the virtue of patriotism in their children.

U.S.HEY!’s solution to this dilemma: Presidentially Inspired Arts & Crafts! What better way to force your opinions down your child’s throat than with an activity that would not only be educational, but also be fun!

We have come up with a few fun and fact-filled ways to teach children about the importance of the Executive Branch. In fact, you don’t have to be a kid to do these projects – all ages are welcome to join in the fun!

1. Patriotic Pebble

Remember pet rocks? Well, we’ve thought of an even better way to decorate the beautiful stones right outside your own front door! Gather your red, white, and blue paint, and a few of your favorite rock friends and tell them to get ready for a makeover! Make a flag (shown on right), paint your favorite president’s face, or write the lyrics to the national anthem. Patriotic Pebbles show the world that you think of all things, even rocks, in terms of their potential to scream: “I love America!”

2. Presidential Popsicle Sticks

Stop here, faint of heart. This project may seem simple, but hear you me, looks can be deceiving. When crafting Presidential Popsicle Sticks, one does not stop after one or two have been completed.  March on, soldiers, to create your very own COMPLETE set of home-made Presidents-on-a-Stick! Gather 44 popsicle sticks, and use a fine-tip sharpie to portray the presidents with as much accuracy as possible. Felt suits, yarn hair, and pompom hats optional. Once complete, your Presidential Popsicle Sticks can double as playful puppets! Try to recreate the confidential Oval Office conversations of the Watergate Era, or have pretend debates between opposing parties!

3. Paper Mache White House

This project will excite the environmentally conscious as its very tools provide a fun new way to reuse old newspaper and shoe boxes.  Use a shoe box and bleached strips of newspaper (the White House is white, not grey) to create your own miniature house of heroes! We’re not sure quite how paper mache-ing works, but we’re sure our readers with children are familiar with this process. A patriotic alternative to a doll house, the Paper Mache White House will have your kids familiar with Executive Branch policies in no time!

4. My Very Own Mount Rushmore

This ambitious project will leave your neighbors in awe. Cover the front of your home in an enormous sheet of slate rock. Grab your chisels, and have at it! Carve the faces of your four favorite presidents for the whole world to see. Show everyone just how patriotic you can be by using your entire home as a commemorative canvas! Bonus points if sculpture is visible on Google Earth.

And guess what, readers – U.S.HEY! has a U.SURPRISE! E-mail a photo of your Arts & Crafts with a 500-1000 word essay on your favorite president and/or presidential accomplishment.  The Commander in Chief herself will select the best of the best, the cream of the crafty crop, and will post the winner tomorrow on George Washington’s real-life birthday! Unleash your inner artist and win big (or at least enjoy your fifteen minutes of U.S.HEY! fame).

-Commander in Chief

State of the Day: South Dakota

South Dakota has been making headlines for the past few days, as state legislators attempt to refine criminal law and the fuzzy lines drawn around justifiable homicide.

Justifiable homicide finds a circuitous route around what would otherwise be considered quote-unquote Murder, by distinguishing between those who killed on purpose and those who didn’t kill because they actually wanted to.  The truly guilty conscience must have both committed the incriminating act and have done so in cold blood, i.e. with a mens rea.

Like many religiocentric Conservatives (the wind beneath Our Nation’s wings), South Dakotan legislators feel that the net cast by justifiable homicide law must catch within its weave that most menacing of fish, abortion givers. These adherents to the God-given doctrine of pro-life policy believe that the best way to represent their constituents is to legalize killing a doctor giving abortions.  House Bill 1171, sponsored by Rep. Phil Jensen, has already passed out of committee on a 9-to-3 vote, and will face a floor vote in the state’s GOP dominated House of Representatives soon.  Should the bill become law, it would vindicate an abortionee’s impregnator, immediate family member, close friend, acquaintance, or general-sharer-of-airspace if they chose to (rightfully) murder the doctor giving the abortion.

Obviously, the bill and its proponents have taken into consideration the value of a human life (other than the doctor’s), the Mistake of Roe v. Wade, and our Founding Father’s intentions in writing that “No state shall… deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law.” Since a woman and her child are a man’s property, he (or anyone else the would-be parents know) should be allowed to kill the person trying to rob him of said property. Conflicting opinions such as the woman’s right to choose should be, understandably, dismissed.

Kudos to you, South Dakota, for upholding that most basic of human rights, the right to kill in justifiable circumstances. U.S.HEY! commends your forward-thinking attitude that will have such a positive effect on society.

-Commander in Chief