The U.S.HEY! staffers are contacting Grammy officials about the error in selecting “Best New Artist” this year. Tricksters Jewel and John Legend either misread or rigged the vote, favoring non-celebrity Esperanza Spalding over crowd favorite/ Mozart-of-2011 Justin Bieber.
We are extremely saddened by the lack of recognition Bieber received at the award show this year. As Americans, we should stand together to correct this wrong. Like History’s #4 Biggest Loser Al Gore (immediately following John Adams Sr., the country German, and the Whig Political Party), U.S.HEY! demands a recount.
This dapper and talented young gentleman holds the key to many a young (and old) girl’s (and boy’s) hearts, and he deserves all of the accolades in the world for all he has accomplished in the past year. Please write to your local Grammy representative and urge them to reconsider their choice on this important and urgent issue. A brief note similar to the following will suffice:
Dear Grammy Wrong-Doer,
As a constituent of American culture, I have not failed to recognize Justin Bieber’s musical accomplishments of the past year (unlike some people). In fact, I have been so focused on following the actions of this boy genius that I don’t even know who this “Esperanza” character is at all. I do know, however, that Bieber fever has taken hold of the nation and my heart. Please right your impetuous wrong against Bieber and give him the Grammy.
Never say never,
___________ (Sign here)
U.S.HEY! thanks voters everywhere for their urgency in immediately handling this issue. We would also like to ask our readers to please edit the above example letter and address it to the Academy so that a similar problem does not occur in honoring Bieber’s theatrical accomplishments.
In solidarity,
Commander in Chief
U.S.HEY! 
Dear Commander in Chief,
While your points about his musical talents are undeniable, there is some information that requires your immediate attention:
Bieber is Canadian. CANADIAN.
It has long been suspected that an elite group of Canadian spies has been sent to infiltrate the American entertainment industry, the very soul of our nation, and take us down. So far Celine Dion and Michael Buble have been identified as Canada’s top operatives, but there are many others. American intelligence tells us that Beiber is being groomed to become some kind of super-agent. Originally, the rapper and some-time actor Drake was considered to be the best candidate, but he was quickly dropped from the program for being a quote “no-talent hack”.
We can only conclude that the Grammy board’s decision was made in the best interest of the American people. Please take this troubling information into account and revise your opinion.
Sincerely,
A true Amerkin