Yes, U.S.HEY! writers are aware that there are only 27 amendments.
But, for the sake of Freedom, we would like to propose a 28th.
Today, the New York Times published an article describing the eating habits of senior citizens. Despite the doctor’s orders, the elderly continue to indulge in foods that health authorities deem less than desirable. At U.S.HEY!, we believe that the right to consume whatever you please goes hand in hand with Freedom itself. Thus, we wish to face these “health officials” head-on with our proposal of the 28th Amendment: The Right to Indulge.
Here in the Land of Plenty we have many options for consumption. More specifically, there are hundreds, perhaps even thousands of different options for the food we consume on a daily basis. So-called “doctors” and “nutritionists” make up new rules about what we should and should not eat every day, flip-flopping on what’s good and bad for you in a way that leaves many Americans puzzled. Because of the continual fluctuation and conflicting opinions within the public health workforce itself, the U.S.HEY! administration has deemed any and all persons claiming to be an expert in these areas Impostors.
Authorized health personnel tell us not to eat the things we love, the things that bring us happiness. Their disparaging remarks regarding popular American delicacies depress us. Experts on public health have forced the American public to adopt the “Junk Food” moniker for most of the foods that actually taste good. U.S.HEY! asks only that we start questioning the information that “doctors” put before us: is McDonalds actually junk, or there some Whole Foods insider trading going on within health professions? Will consumption of such delicacies as Baskin Robbins and KFC actually hurt me, or are you just trying to hog all the good food for yourself? Are saturated fats even real, or are they an invented villain used to control the population (similar to Harry Potter)?
Join together today to stand up for your right, as an American, to eat whatever you want. Old people do it, even though their doctors warn against it, so why can’t you? Silly rules such as a 2000-calorie per day diet haven’t helped anyone, they have only subjected American citizens everywhere to a life of deprivation and sadness. Next time you order a super-sized BigMac Value Meal, think not only of the money you’re saving, but of the Americans everywhere you’re standing up for by consuming whatever the heck you want.
Plead the 28th today! Indulge, great American gourmands, indulge!
In solidarity,
Commander in Chief
U.S.HEY! 