…More specifically, immoral, out-of-wedlock sex.
It has come to the attention of the U.S.HEY! administration that Americans are engaging in rampant, lawless sexual activity. Americans as young as eighteen years of age are having sex! According to the Center for Sexual Health Promotion (oxymoron? All sex is by nature unhealthy.) both sex and “safe sex” (again with the oxymorons) are on the rise.
U.S.HEY! blames contemporary pop culture for this rise in gluttonous sexual behavior. Before contemporary times, where we have inventions such as “Cinemax After Dark” and “The Internet” that make our access to sex instantaneous, men and women did not engage in sexual acts so flagrantly. Furthermore, movies and TV, celebrity role-models, the music industry, and college campuses everywhere make sex seem “cool,” “fun,” and worst of all, “normal.” Read on for U.S.HEY!’s outline the problematic of the popular acceptance of sex in contemporary culture.
Americans everywhere love famous people, as evidenced in the popularity of celebrity gossip blogs/magazines, and the general Christ-like status of many better known celebrities. Before learning of her home-wrecking tendencies, unwedded relationship to Brad Pitt, and children out of wedlock, U.S.HEY! staffers admired celebrity Angelina Jolie for her acting capabilities and altruistic work with poor people. However, the fact that this celebrity now uses the limelight to draw attention to her Sexual Evil-Doings has changed U.S.HEY!’s opinion of her. She and Brad Pitt have not only adopted several children, but have had several more of their own! U.S.HEY! does not see a ring on that famous finger. And we all know what babies mean: Sex.
Other celebrities emphasize sex not only in their personal lives but in their professional works as well. Followers of pop culture, that most frivolous of pastimes, may have come across musical performer Rihanna’s latest single entitled “S&M”. For those of you unfamiliar with the term, “S&M” is a bizarre and harmful type of sexual activity in which participating members use items such as whips, handcuffs, and gagging devices on one another. The allure of the pleasure in pain confuses the U.S.HEY! administration, and we are even more disturbed by the implications of “S&M”s lyrics and the activity Rihanna promotes.
“Cause I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it/ Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it/ Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me.”
Clearly Rihanna was taking the cheap route of shock value with the lyrics above. Although U.S.HEY! does not condone listening to the song or viewing her music video, we feel it is necessary to provide a link here so that our readers can see prime footage of the behaviors we are critical of.
The influence of celebrity sexuality has had a profound impact on Americans everywhere. Notably, on college campuses, Health & Wellness Centers distribute free condoms with which young and impressionable students presumably engage in the act of sex itself. This is often precluded by the phenomenon of “sexting”, which was popularized by celebrity Miley Cyrus in 2010. College students often forego late night trips to the library on Friday and Saturday evenings in order to consume alcohol, “sext” individuals they are interested in fornicating with, and proceed to do sex with each other. At some college campuses, levels of STDs have risen to shocking highs. Some female students may actually have become impregnated or even been on “Girls Gone Wild”. This is because the male students take advantage of them in an act the females cannot possibly enjoy because they are being used as mere means to the male sexual end. U.S.HEY! weeps at the tragedy of rampant sexual behavior and the severe setbacks society faces as a consequence.
In conclusion, U.S.HEY! officials would like to ask Americans to consider their sexual actions carefully. Sex without a marriage will give you STDs and unwanted children. We encourage a movement to counteract the prevalence of getting married later in life in favor of younger weddings like olden times. (Unwedded) sex is not art, or sport, or pleasure. It is simply a mistake.
Have a safe and sex-less Valentines Day,
Commander in Chief
U.S.HEY! 
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